last night i meditated on the word "self-compassion" and it brought up images of the virgin mary for whatever reason. she was a brown, older woman in blue garments with a monalisa-esque smile. she hugged me and i experienced some kind of blissful state, it immediately relaxed me and flew throughout my body. when i looked back on old memories, those cringe ones that i have to yell "kill yourself" whenever they come up for me, i could only feel sadness, not anger or self-hatred, just sadness. "of course it all happened that way, you never had any control in the first place" my actions made deep sense to me and i could no longer feel that familiar mixture of guilt & shame. i drifted off into sleep and didn't wake up for 16 hours. i had lots of interesting movie-like dreams. in one instance, i was a sniper and i shot some arab "non-combatant" while laughing about it, but then i felt bad about it, then i was running in a zig-zag avoiding enemy artillery explosions. there's no deeper

Read the rest (701 more characters)

meaning to this dream, i think it was just suggestion from watching the call of duty mw4 trailer yesterday.

anyway, it's pretty amazing when i can access these altered states of consciousness purely through meditation. i doubt the cough syrup tranny ever felt this kind of bliss while zoinked out of his mind on dxm or whatever glue he sniffs. the blissful state is gone and i'm back to regular patterns, but i'm going to meditate on it some more until i can access "self-compassion" on demand. my tulpa experiments also brought along with them new affects that i couldn't access before. "love" was completely foreign to me and i just yanked it out of the void like it was always there but asleep.